The Awkward Adventures of Haaram Var
by that guy from that place
Summary: Haaram Var is a draenei mage of minor renown. History will probably remember him for his wisdom, his unique mode of thinking, and his astronomically poor social skills. These are his stories
1. Chapter 1

Haaram Var's Adolescent Drinking Habits Cause Unintended Ramifications.

* * *

><p>The annual conference for Haaram's lab had commenced, and like every year, his laboratory was nearly full with visitors. Magi involved in the study of the effects of arcane magic on temporal flow in low-nether environments, their pupils, and their families from all around Azeroth came as guests, and like every year, everyone was having a joyous time. The various magi were conversing about recent events in their field of research, in-jokes were told, and this usually separated community of was reunited. The only difference was that this year a certain special guest had arrived, a guest that Haaram Var had been biding his time for an opportunity to meet for many years.<p>

Recently, the HIghborne Night Elf Magi had spent a good deal of time and effort attempting to reintegrate themselves with the intellectual communities of Darnassus. Last year, they had finally found enough of a foothold to establish a magical research laboratory, and this year they had been able to squeeze enough funding to afford a trip to this years convention.

This was significant for several reasons. First, it provided a new opportunity for an extension and enlargement of this particular community. Var's field of study was largely based in the Eastern Kingdoms, and such a large separation had presented many readily apparent problems that greatly impeded the rate of research for his laboratory. With the additional help of the Night Elves, he could only surmise that his field would have more of a presence in Kalimdor, and it would be easier to obtain reagents and peer reviews/consultation from now on.

More importantly, however, one of these new arrivals was also the brother of a reagent vender in Darnassus who was totally hot. Var had had a crush on her for as long as he had been on Azeroth. Every time he passed through the capital, he made a point of restocking all his reagents at her store, just so that he could say hello to her. His heart fluttered and his stomach did seemed to do summersaults whenever he stared into her beautiful, deep, opaque eyes. He knew that if he could, he would get lost in them forever.

Unfortunately he also got really nervous around her because he was so self conscious, and he usually couldn't get himself to start conversation with her. The fact that he was even able to order reagents when he saw her was actually nothing short of a miracle.

He knew tonight, however, was his chance. This conference was his opportunity to spark something wonderful between him and his heart's long desire. To this end, he had spent the better part of a week training and conditioning himself. He wrote down what he was going to say; he had a long list of conversation starters. He had read up of Night Elf Culture so that he would have more bearings in interaction with her. He knew he was ready, and as he walked into the conference and felt dozens of faces smiling and thanking their gracious host, he was, for the first time in a long time, confident in his ability to interact with girls.

He walked through the crowd, nodding and smiling at all those who greeted him; he made his way across the room, attempting to find one of his lab-mates so that he could establish a social foothold from which he could use as a safe starting area to branch out and fulfill his plans. Unfortunately, he wasn't looking where he was going and accidentally bumped into someone. Even more unfortunately it was the reagent saleswoman.

The two stared at each other for several seconds. Var felt his throat dry nearly instantly as he tried his best to maintain his composure.

"Hi," she began.

"Hey," he replied.

The two stood there for several seconds, Var could feel sweat beginning to accumulate on his forehead; this situation was getting too hot to fast and he knew it.

"Um…I have to go…to the place…for that thing…" he pointed slowly off to the side, eliciting a somewhat confused look from his conversation partner.

"k,"

"Bye…"

Var made a quick exit to the restroom and stood over the sink, trying to collect himself. _Dammit!_ He thought. _How can this be? I prepared for this more than anything and I still almost embarrassed myself back there!_ He sighed and looked to his side, realizing that he was holding a cup of ale from the refreshments table. He took a long swig of it, hoping that it would calm his nerves enough for him to gain some composure. As he left the bathroom, he tried to look on the bright side of things. _Well, at least she and I haven't had an awkward moment yet. _He thought to himself.

Haaram spent the next few hours attempting to regain his resolve for a second chance at conversation. The events were cyclical: he would drink, try and approach his crush, get really nervous, back down, and finally drink some more. It was a commendable plan fit for only the coolest of high school freshmen, and just like said high school freshmen he soon found himself attempting to utilize his lowered inhibitions to compensate for his lack of confidence and grace. Tonight, as was usual when he drank too much, it manifested himself in the form of unfunny dick-jokes.

Thankfully, Homrin had been around the intoxicated Haaram enough times to know the early warnings, and as soon as his boss began penciling in the letter "s" every time he found the word "as" on some documents on his desk, he went in to work preventing a potential catastrophe.

Homrin approached his tutor, who, at the moment, was busy telling a group of people about that time he realized the profound and subtle humor of the last four letters of the word "canal." He grabbed Var by the shoulder and politely (yet firmly) ushered him off the side, "Professor Var…how much have you had to drink tonight?"

Homrin could tell that his professor was trying to think fast. Var's eyes darted between his pupil, and the drink currently in his hand. "True," he replied tentatively.

"What?"

"True."

"No, how much have you had…give me the real answer."

"I am giving you the real answer, In Boolean form!" Var giggled like a school girl at the hilarity of his own math joke that only he was a big enough dork to get.

Homrin rolled his eyes, "Ok…fine…then give me the answer again…in integer form."

The smile faded from Var's face, "Um…well…right…see…I…uh…

"…pass"

"Look, sir, I think you should take it easy for a while. You're starting to act a little…inebriated. I think you've had enough. Why don't you lay low for a little while until you sober up; I'm afraid that you'll embarrass yourself by accident."

Var's eyes widened with horror, "I've embarrassed myself? In front of all these people?"

"what?...no not ye-"

"Oh God!" Var breathed as he clutched his head, "My chances of getting with that night elf chick whatsherface are ruined!"

"Sir I think you're overreac-"

"I gotta get out of here!"

"Wait! Don't!"

But it was too late; Var had already begun fleeing to the back entrance of the lab, arms flailing and voice emitting a very high pitched squeal. Homrin sighed as he rubbed his temples, _some people really need to learn how to handle alcohol…_ he thought.

As he was lost in thought one of his coworkers approached him from behind, "Hey Homrin, where's the professor at?"

"He uh…he…went outside…"

"Huh…like last time?"

"yep."

"I actually better find him," Homrin sighed, "If I don't he's just gonna end up telling racist jokes to strangers again." Homrin then composed himself, neatened up his robe (which had become somewhat sullied in the festivities) and exited the building, on a mission to find his tutor.

* * *

><p>Var ran for quite a while. The seven foot tall, three hundred pound figure with steel gray hair, glowing sapphire eyes, and the look of a millennia's worth of wisdom and experience flew down the streets of the Exodar, emitting a high pitched whine and streaming tears down his face. Thankfully, the population of the streets at this hour of the night was negligible. If this had been any other time of day (like last time) the situation would have been even more awkward, if that was even possible. In a drunken haze his stamina finally wore out, and he found himself doubled over in the streets, panting.<p>

He wiped his forehead and looked up briefly. He found that he was only a few inches away from the flight master for the city.

"Uh, sir. Could you please give me some more personal…space." The flight master said cautiously while trying to create some distance between him and the man who was screaming like a newborn only a few seconds ago. Suddenly, Var's mind hatched an idea.

"Hey I got an idea! How mucsh for a trip."

"Whereto…?"

"Uhh…I don't know."

The flight master visibly became more and more uncomfortable with Var's presence. In desperation he looked quickly down at his flight map and picked the first name he saw, "How about Ashenvale?"

"Slure!"

"Great…hop on one of these here and I'll get you on your way."

"Aweshome…Oh wait, how much is this going to cost?"

"For you…free."

"Aw, thanksh buddy!" Var walked passed the flight master and hopped up on one of the mounts nearby. As the master was untying his hippogriff he began giggling again, "Hey buddy, you know those humans…the ones with the darker skin?"

"…"

"Wanna hear a joke about 'em?"

"…

…no," he replied as he gave the taxi a swift kick with his boot and sent his customer on his way.

* * *

><p>Gro'ash was a warrior of minor renown in his unit. His loved ones will probably remember him for his controlled (yet savage) combat technique, his high regard for family honor, and the fact that his son was a failure of catastrophic proportions.<p>

Everyone in his family aspired to be a great warrior; it was a family tradition that had gone on for generations. However, all that his son Cro'ak seemed to want to was play with mud. He had no warrior's heart, no bloodthirst, no spirit. As he attempted to fall asleep in the barracks he was staying in at the lumber mill, Gro'ash couldn't help but reflect on his life, and wonder why the great and powerful spirits had cursed him with a son who was forced become a peon as a result of his lack of motivation. He sighed to himself as he looked out the window near his bunk, and saw his son on his night shift…sleeping on the job. "Dear Cro'ak…why do you dishonor me so?" he sighed as he looked back up at the ceiling, "Where did I go wrong with you?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Var was stumbling around drunk, not entirely sure where he was (there were a lot of trees), and so he did the only thing that came to his mind- he told his stand-up comedy to any sentient being that he found on his drunken stumbling. Dryads, elemental spirits, whatever he found he attempted to entertain with his juvinille sense of humor. However, the more and more he tried to interact with the residents of the forest, the more and more frustrated he became. This was largely because everything he tried to talk to ran away in less then five minutes.<p>

He came upon a furbolg with its foot caught in a bear trap, and a smile dawned on his face _This guy'll probably listen!_ Var thought excitedly. He approached the creature, and the furbolg acknowledged his presence with an imploring looking, beseeching him for help. "Hey buddy, what do call the hair in between your grandmother's breasts?"

The furbolg's eyebrows narrowed as realized the intentions of his new acquaintance. He pawed at the bear trap that was holding his leg in place like a vice grip, a certain new anxiety taking over his body.

Var giggled to himself, "_her vagina_" he said, snickering.

The captive's need to escape visibly mounted, as he began to paw even harder at his trap.

"Hang on I got more!"

The furbolg's eyes shot open with a fear so visceral and extreme it was unreal; he could never have imagined that a fate this cruel would befall him. In a final act of desperation, he used all his strength to ram his hands in between the jaws of the trap. Harnessing every ounce of his adrenaline, he slowly pried the jaws open from his leg. Tears streamed down his face as the trap's vice dug into his palms, and a river of blood flowed from hands. He inched the trap wide enough to slip his leg through, and without a moments hesitation dashed off, leaving Haaram alone.

"Alright, you know what, SCREW YOU. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY." Var sighed. _Now who can I talk to?_ He mused.

However, out of the corner of his eye, he spied a napping orc underneath a tree. A smile graced his drunken face as he discovered a new conversation partner.

* * *

><p>Homrin searched the city for quite a while, marveling at how difficult it was to find a being as hard to miss as Haaram Var. Unfortunately for him, there were few people to ask as not many were up at this hour. After a half hour of searching, however, he managed to find another person in the streets of the city- the flight master.<p>

"Hey did you see a guy with white hair come by here recently? He was wearing a robe and probably acting like a middle-school girl who just got dumped by her boyfriend of one week."

"Well I did just send a guy through and he was acting pretty peculiar…"

"How good were his people skills?"

"Non-existent."

"Yeah that's him alright. Can you tell me where he went?"

* * *

><p>"Hey, buddy." Haaram nudged the orc, attempting to arouse it from its slumber. "Hello?" He poked the green man again. The peon awoke from its slumber to find a very large and very drunk alien looming over him. He immediately jumped on his feet tried his best to get into a battle stance. His hands were trembling as he tried to enter a combat stance; he was prepared to defend himself.<p>

The professor, however, was oblivious to the individual's fear, and instead started where he left off with the furbolg. "Wanna hear a joke?"

The orc didn't really speak any common and so he became increasingly terrified of the situation.

"Alright so a priest, a shaman, and a paladin walk into a bar…

except it was like a metal bar…

…So they like…

…got hurt…"

Var leaned forward in an attempt to enunciate the (not?)punchline of the joke. The orc, however, misinterpreted this as an act of aggression which tipped him over the edge and into combat mode. Letting forth a high-pitched scream, he swung his axe at Var.

"Hey what the hell's your problem?" he retorted, dodging the clumsy swing.

The orc responded with another swing, which Var dodged again.

"Oh so that's how it's gonna be?" Var grabbed the orc's arm as it swung through the air, and, accidentally, conjured up a spike of ice that skewered the orc's forearm. The peon screamed in agony as he clutched his arm, attempting to stop the bleeding.

"Aw crap…this couldn't get any worse…" said Haaram. Just then, he heard shouting from behind in a language that he did not understand. He turned around to see a fierce orc warrior staring at him. Seeing that he was Alliance, the orc switched languages appropriately. "Who in the hell are you, and what are you doing to my son!"

"Oh dammit…"

* * *

><p>Homrin had been searching the forests for some time, and yet still had had no luck in locating his professor. He sighed, <em>maybe he'll just come back tomorrow…<em> he thought. Suddenly, he heard screaming in the distance. He raced over to the origin of the sound and was shocked by what he saw.

Gro'ash slowly approached Var, his temples throbbing with anger. He began swearing in orcish, and Haaram could only back away slowly as the imposing figure drew ever closer. "Hey couldn't we just talk about this! It's a misunderstanding I swear!" The orc's response was to unsheathe his axe. He raised his weapon over his head and prepared for an attack.

Then, an unexpected figure ran up to the ancient researcher. "Professor Var, what's going on?"

"Oh, hi Homrin, not much," he replied, turning to face his student and, in doing so, moving six inches to the left. The Orc's axe came down with mighty force and, completely missed Haaram. His reach, however, was quite long, and the vertical slice did make contact with Homrin's arm. The pupil jumped back in pain as a large gash opened up on his bicep. Gro'ash stepped back, surprised that he had just hit the wrong target. Shrugging off his incredulity, he raised his axe for another attack.

As luck would have it, however, it was then that Haaram Var had his first not-completely-retarded thought all day. "Wait," he said, "if you try to kill us both, The Alliance and the Horde are going to know about this incident. Tension's are high enough as is, do you really want to risk being the guy that started a war that killed thousands?"

The orc lowered his axe.

"Taking lives will mean nothing. We need to get medical attention for my friend and your son. This world has seen enough death, there's no need to create more."

Gro'ash paused for a moment, and finally nodded in agreement.

"Wow sir…that was incredible…how'd you think of that?"

Var began giggling again, "Hey I got one. What's the difference between an orc and a pile of dog sh-"

Homrin slammed his hand over his superior's mouth. _Perhaps it's best that he not say anything right now_, he thought.

* * *

><p>Homrin and Cro'ak were quickly and efficiently patched up soon after. Thankfully, there was a shaman on base who was a very good friend of Gro'ash and would be more than happy to keep a secret. Homrin flexed his newly patched up arm, making sure that everything was in working order. He turned to his host, "Thank you very much, dear sir, I am terribly sorry that we intruded here this evening." The orc nodded tentatively, his animosity could still be felt. Not wishing to see how patient this being would be, Homrin grabbed his professor, bowed graciously, and speedily walked as far away from the lumber mill as he could manage.<p>

Cro'ak turned to the shaman as the spiritual guide began channeling natural energy through his body. He muttered an incantation, and the once gaping wound sealed itself quickly. Cro'ak stared at his miraculously cured hand, "How did you do that?" he asked, marveled.

"The elements of earth and water allow us the power to heal…among other things. It is a gift that we are truly blessed to have."

"Earth…water…" Cro'ak stared at his arm, enthralled by the wondrous magic force that had just saved him, "So uh…if…a friend of mine...wanted to learn about shamanism…where would he go first?"

* * *

><p>Homrin held up his professor as the two slowly walked back down the streets of the Exodar, "You're a bastard, you know that?"<p>

"NO YOU."

"Whatever. I guess I should be thankful that you at least didn't start a world war…and that you probably won't remember this in the morning.

"This night sucked…"

"I know. I know."

"I spent so much time trying to make tonight go well…and all I managed to do was avoid completely embarrassing myself…by almost starting a war…"

"You'll feel better soon enough…"

Homrin stopped suddenly as he and his professor approached the laboratory. The guests had almost entirely left, the only two people left at the party were a night elf and his sister…the sister that sold reagents. Var slid off of his student and began to walk towards his building. His crush was standing next to her brother, who was having a light conversation with one of his students. Haaram averted his gaze from the object of his affections, "It's probably better that I just stop while I'm behind," he mused.

He walked past them, and began searching his pockets for the key to the lab so that he could begin to clean up. Then, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around slowly to find the reagent saleswoman looking up at him. "I just wanted to say thank you, professor Var. My brother really enjoyed this get together, and I'm so glad that I could come." She reached up and shook Var's hand while he simply stood back, paralyzed. She heard her brother calling her, telling her that they were about to leave. She quickly ran off to meet him, giving one last wave and a goodbye to her host.

Var stood completely still for several moments, attempting to take in what had just happened. A small smile crept onto his face, and began to grow into a full-fledged look of joy. He regained slight composure of himself as he turned around and went into his place of work. He spent the next half hour cleaning up after the soiree, beaming the entire time, and only allowing one thought to pass through him mind. It was the same thought that had been looping in his mentality ever since he turned around to notice the tap on his shoulder, "Holy shit, a girl's talking to me."


	2. Chapter 2

Haaram Var Attempts to Find a House to Go With his Doorknob.

* * *

><p>Homrin sleepily walked up to his laboratory. He yawned as he slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. His eyelids were heavy and his arms seemed to be opposed to any movement at all. Maintaining consciousness was a struggle at this hour of the morning. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, silently cursing himself for volunteering to set up this morning's experiments at the ungodly early hour that they required. He stepped inside the laboratory and shut the door behind him with slightly more force than he had intended. The door slammed shut, causing Homrin to wince slightly. He dragged himself over to a nearby bookshelf and began looking for the proper tome that had instructions for properly setting up a ley beacon.<p>

From behind he heard a low groaning. He turned around to see a large blue figure slowly rise up from behind the main desk in room. The being was wearing pajamas, and rubbed his temples as though attempting to soothe a headache. "Why did you slam the door?" he said groggily.

"Proffessor…Var?"

The professor's eyes shot open as the made eye contact with Homrin. He lowered his stance and immediately began channeling magic through his body, "WHO IN THE NAME OF THE LIGHT ARE YOU AND WHY HAVE YOU INTRUDED INTO MY HOUSE?" he shouted as fire burst from his hands and his eyes glowed hot.

"This isn't your house; this is your laboratory!" The other replied quickly.

"Oh right…

… WHO IN THE NAME OF THE LIGHT ARE YOU AND WHY HAVE YOU INTRUDED INTO MY LABORATORY?"

"I'm one of your students! I work here!" he pleaded.

Var lowered his arms and calmed down, "Oh yeah…

…Hi Homrin."

"Sir…why are you sleeping under your desk?..if I may ask…"

"Bah I've had to do it for years ever since I lost my house that one time."

"I'm sorry?"

"My house, a while ago I forgot to chain it up before I went to work and I came back that evening and it was gone." He shook his head sadly, "Damn shame, I really loved that house…"

"I'm…uh…sorry to hear that sir?"

"Aye, it was a bitter day that was. As you can imagine everything that I kept in that house left with it. I lost a lot that day…my antiques…my wife…my books…In a way I got lucky though." he reached into his pocket and pulled out a brass lump, "I managed to find the doorknob. All I've gotta do is find a new house to go with it and I'll be set for good."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" he offered, instantly regretting his words the moment they left his mouth.

Var scratched his chin and thought momentarily, "hmmm…meet me after work today, I know how you can help. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to work." He ducked under his desk again and Homrin heard the sounds of a man trying to get comfortable on a hard, unpleasant floor.

"Um…sir…I'd be really appreciative if you would help me set up this experiment…I'm not as experienced as you…"

"NO,"

"'No I'm as experienced as you' or 'no you won't help.'"

"Yes,"

Homrin decided not to push the matter further. He resumed reading the manual, hoping that his intuition wouldn't fail him today.

That day's activities went on as usual. Tests were done, observations were made, raw data was collected and handed out to various lab members for deciphering, and of course, there was lots and lots of writing. As usual Professor Var spent a good deal of time attempting to solve a philosophical problem that didn't actually exist. This time he had debated whether or not a set of elements contained the list of said elements and also the word "snigger." His colleagues and students had, of course, been drawn into the argument, and their complex and useless debates had permeated the laboratory all afternoon. Even at the end of the day they were still hotly debating the issue, even though it didn't actually make any sense.

"No you see any list of things contains the list of things! It's a tautology!" Var argued with a student.

"Yeah but that doesn't at all mean that it would contain the word 'snigger.'"

"Well why not?"

"Because there's no logical reason that a list would contain an additional arbitrary term!" The student was getting exasperated now.

"But what if you were measuring the length of the list to an arbitrarily large estimation? If you round any number less than 5000 off to the ten thousand's place then the answer will always be zero. Thus a set with five terms could very well equal a set with six terms because by this measurement the number five is equal to the number six."

"I don't think It works that way…"

"And why wouldn't it?"

"Because…ugh you know what, fine, you're right, I concede. Are you happy now?"

There was a moment of silence between the two as they stared at each other, "Yes," replied the professor. Var then turned to face Homrin, "Ah good news!. I worked through my lunch break so that we could cut out early enough to take care of my house problem. Would you like to assist me now?"

Homrin agreed, and before he knew what was happening he was dragged out of the office by a beaming Haaram, "Ah-ha! Splendid my good sir!" his professor announced jovially as they exited the premise.

The pair walked for a while, Var seemingly lost in his own world of thought…more than usual anyway. After about ten minutes of seemingly aimless wandering, Homrin decided to ask for an explanation for their present course of action, "So what now?"

"Well, what do you think? We're going to catch a feral home."

"Yeah, but how exactly?"

"Just let me handle the complicated stuff." He said with a wink.

Var stopped in the middle of the a moderately busy plaza in the trade district. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a collapsible fishing pole, which he promptly assembled.

"You've got to be kidding me…" sighed Homrin, rubbing his temples as his companion skewered a slice of rye bread on the hook and cast it into the distance. The bait landed with a thud several feet from a general store.

"And now, we wait…"

"Sir I…"

"Shh! Here he comes…"

A draenei man in business attire was walking in front of the store.

"That man," Var whispered, "Is one of the best realtors on the Exodar. He walked this route at this time every weekday, and he loves rye bread."

"Please tell me you're kidding?"

"No he really does like rye bread. He's a freakin' weirdo I tell you what."

The businessman stopped several feet away from the slice of bread. A look of surprise came across his face as he stared at it momentarily. Looking around, he found that no one else was looking, and bent down to pick up the bread. Var tightened his grip on his fishing pole as the businessman began to eat the bread, hook still sticking through it.

Turning to face Homrin, he held a finger up to his lips, ordering silence. He then held up three fingers, then two, then one.

"Now! Freeze him!" he shouted as he dropped the fishing pole and launched a frost spell over the target. The realtor looked up briefly before the spell hit him and rooted him to the ground. "Gotcha!" shouted Var triumphantly as he ran over to his victim.

The businessman's countenance indicated extreme surprise and mild annoyance at his present circumstance; unsurprisingly his first words were "Why the hell did you do that you dick."

"Why in the _hell_ did you do that you dick!"

"Silence! I need answers!" Var began to slowly pace around his captive as his facial expression began to relax. "Now..." he said with a slow and deliberate voice, "I need to find my house…and I need you to tell me where it is."

The businessman's eyes darted back and forth in confusion before focusing on Var, "Um…sure…" he said.

"Excellent. Now, this house…you've probably seen it many times… It's big… and has at least two windows."

"…Ok…"

"-And!" Var interjected, "It probably went to a place to hide…" he leaned in extremely closely to the businessman and looked him dead in the eyes, "Think you can tell me where it is, tough guy?"

Both stared each other down for several seconds, but finally the prisoner talked, "Yeah sure… it's at…4… Darkwood Street… in Azure Watch."

"Cool, thanks bro." Var replied cheerfully as he cast a low level fire spell at the man's feet, freeing him from his root as he turned around and started walking towards Azure Watch with Homrin following him. He turned to his companion, "That was easier than I thought." He said simply.

When the two arrived at their destination, Var immediately began looking for the supposed location of his house. They scoured the entire city in an attempt to find Darkwood Street; however, it was to no avail. The street in question did not seem to exist, and no amount of searching or questioning of residents seemed to offer any other conclusion.

Homrin sat down on the ground, "Var, I don't think tat we're going to find this house anytime soon."

"Unfortunately…it seems that you're right…" his professor conceded, sighing heavily. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the doorknob. Everything that it represented: his hope, his light, his chance at salvation…was now fading by the minute. Suddenly his eyes widened, "I got it!" he shouted, raising his hand into the air triumphantly.

"What?" asked his companion as Var placed his ear to the ground. Homrin paused slightly as a massive grin emerged onto his professor's face.

"Come with me! Quickly!" Var grabbed Homrin's arms and began dragging him through the town. The two dashed through street and streets, drawing stares from pedestrians nearby. "Var, what the hell?" shouted the exasperated student. The pair soon found themselves leaving the city limits and entering the forest that covered Azuremyst Isle. Var began to slow his pace as they went deeper and deeper into the wild. "For The love of all things holy, at least tell me what you're trying to do!"

Suddenly Haaram ended his sprint, causing Homrin to slam into him and fall to the ground. The student held a hand up to his throbbing forehead and stared up at his professor. Var was seemingly oblivious (or at the very least, completely unconcerned with) his pupil's wellbeing, as he simply fixed his gaze unyieldingly on some object in front of him. Homrin turned his gaze to try and figure out what had stolen the attention of his professor so thoroughly. "Is that…your…?"

"Sadly, no, it isn't, but It's still exactly what I needed. " Var approached the object and question and immediately began to run his hands on the wooden door, perfectly smooth aside from one blemish- a four inch wide hole through which one could see the interior of the structure. "I knew that I could hear it calling to me…" he breathed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his doorknob, his hands trembling. He placed the brass knob into the hole in the door, and watched as it snugly fit. He turned around to his pupil, his eyes wide with excitement, "Mission accomplished!" he said triumphantly.


	3. Chapter 3

The Awkward Adventures of Haaram Var

Chapter Three: in which the author wastes 10 to fifteen minutes of your time

* * *

><p>The crowd whispered amongst itself in anticipation. The faces of hundreds of students of the academy talked with each other. The air was virtually alive with their collective noise. Each one wore their customary graduation robes to mark the occasion, and each carried a certain earnest excitement about the occasion. Normally, the graduating class was itching to have the commencement ceremony over with so that they could finally leave the university. This year, however, a new contingency had caused a certain shift in interest.<p>

The provost of the school walked onstage and cleared his throat, immediately quieting the audience.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you all to the commencement ceremony for this academic year," began the provost, "Now as you may know, for years many at the school have been curious about the magical knowledge of the Draenei people. Many of the higher ranking officials of this school, myself included, have been trying to quite some time to bring someone to educate us on this strange and fascinating culture.

Well, I can't tell you how lucky we were this year; as you probably have heard, a magic researcher from the Exodar actually agreed to come here today and be this year's guest speaker. Please put your hands together for the honorable Haaram Var!" He then bowed and exited gracefully as the speaker came on stage.

Var entered the stage and turned to face his audience. Hundreds of young magi gazed at the towering, ancient, azure figure with anticipation. The air hung thick with the intense presence that he exuded; his thousands of years of experience with magic seemed to manifest in an almost palpable form. He commenced his lecture,

"Of all the knowledge of the physical world I know only one thing to be absolutely true, and that is that we all know very little." He began, his deep voice echoing through the hall,

"It is the base of all our knowledge, our understanding of the world, and provides us with the enigmatic primordial muck from which we have slowly begun to make sense of what is. The lack of understanding tells us that there is something out there, that there must be a certain rule to existence. We know that magic must be held together by some form of logical adhesion; that fire, frost, and the arcane are all functions that can be measured and understood, and, unfortunately, this statement is truly the extent of our knowledge."

He raised his hand and with little effort caused a bursting, rippling flame to engulf his appendage. The flames licked his skin and robe without damaging it at all. A seemingly uncontrollable chaotic force, paradoxically pacified. He held it up high to the crowd.

"Thus," he continued after pausing momentarily, "emerges the central dogma of all magi- observance, research, to find out all th-

**-Oh shit!**"

Van's eyes caught sight of his flaming left hand and his expression immediately converted to shock. Shouting numerous obscenities he waved his hand around wildly, as though attempting to quell the flame. He quickly lifted up his other hand and, imbuing it with frost, he subdued the inferno.

He found himself panting slightly. He looked back up at the crowd to find an entire audience of confused faces staring back. With his left hand, he wiped some of the sweat off of his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked down at his (now non incendiary) hand and then at the audience. He scratched his head, trying to remember what he was saying, "…So um…yeah…thanks for having me as a guest speaker," he said finally.

He stood on stage a moment longer, not sure how to what to do next. He coughed slightly, producing a sound that reverberated throughout the room, penetrating every point of physical space in the room and flooding all that it touched with a bone chilling lack of grace. "Bye" he added as he gave a short wave to the audience and walked off stage, the echoes of his footsteps piercing the awkward silence that engulfed the room. The provost of the academy walked back on stage, and, like a student taking a test he hadn't studied for, clumsily tried to resume the commencement ceremony.

Offstage, Haaram Var stared at his hand, as though attempting to unravel one of the mysteries of the universe. One of the coordinators from the University approached him, "Um, that was…great. Thanks again for making an appearance, sir."

Var remained motionless as he micro analyzed his no longer incendiary hand. "It makes no sense," he thought out loud, "In all my years of practicing the arcane arts I have never had the misfortune of a spell spontaneously manifesting itself in this way…there must be an explanation for this…Perhaps there is a section to the mind which cannot be known or controlled that acts on its own will, completely unbeknownst to our conscious awareness. Perhaps that part of my mentality is starting to gain control over my body, starting to access the magical knowledge that I have procured and yet been able to remain in control of for so long…

Or what if that particularly racist bread vendor from this afternoon secretly doused my hand in some flammable substance while I wasn't looking, and through a complicated machination managed to set my arm on fire at a distance to embarrass me in front of the academy and totally ruin my chances of impressing that mildly attractive librarian in the audience…" He stroked his chin with his other hand as his eyebrows narrowed, "This demands further investigation…"

"Uh…Sir I thought that you did it as a demonstration," the stage-hand interjected.

Var paused briefly, "…Oh yeah…" he said finally. "Wow. I feel like a tool." There was a brief silence, "Well anyways I gotta get back to Kalimdor. My research associates will be expecting me." He grabbed his hat off of a nearby coat rack and bid farewell to the stage-hand.

"Um…Thanks for coming…Mr. Var."

"You're very welcome dear sir," Haaram replied as he exited the building with a polite bow. The door closed behind him and the human found himself unsure of how to react to the events of the previous minute. He stood in silence for several seconds. It was a hard silence, one thick and latent with unsolved questions and confusion, filled with ideas that repeated themselves endlessly attempting to solve themselves, like a mobius strip in his mind. Just then the provost walked back stage, "Where's Var?" he asked the stage-hand.

"Um. He left."

"Wait what?"

"He, uh, just said that he had to return home and then he got up an went."

"We still have the whole ceremony though…"

"Yeah…"

"…"

"why di-"

"Honestly…I'm just so confused right now…I…I really don't wanna think about it."

Var was walking down the streets of Stormwind, making his way through the Trade District. He was busy qualifying a magical theory that he had just thought up when suddenly a thought burst into his mind. _I could swear I'm forgetting something..._ He stood in place for a moment. _Wait a second. _He reached into his pocket and pulled out his schedule. Unfolding the paper, he stared at it for several minutes.

"NOTE TO SELF STAY FOR ENTIRE COMMENCEMENT CEREMONY AND ALSO TRY TO FIND OUT HOW TO SPELL IN LOWER CASE "

"Oh dammit! I didn't ask how to write in lower case!" he shouted.

"…"

"Oh dammit! I forgot to stay for the ceremony!" he shouted even louder.

…_Oh well, can't change the past. _He mused as he threw the note over his shoulder and took out a map from his pocket. He stared at the complicated set of instructions he had laid out for returning to Azuremyst Isle in the corner of the parchment. Truth be told he was quite relieved to be finished with his business in Stormwind. As much as he loved any opportunity to learn about other cultures and gain new knowledge, he felt out of place amongst humans. This regression to Kalimdor would be most welcome.

After rereading several times he rolled the paper back up and pocketed it. He began to walk down to Stormwind harbor, hoping that he could find a boat that would take be able to cross the sea in as little time as possible. He gazed out onto the ocean and his eyes relaxed. It was comforting to know that everything he knew, everything he loved, was still there. Separated from him only by distance. A long distance, to be sure, but not an impassable one. He let out a sigh, he would have to remain patient for a while longer, it would seem. No journey across the sea could be done quickly.

_Oh wait hang on I can teleport_. He thought. Pleasantly surprised by his realization, he immediately began to channel arcane power. He opened a portal to the Exodar and without a moments hesitation stepped through, relieved that he had remembered this time.


	4. Chapter 4

Haaram Var's Unintentional Cock-Blocking Disrupts the Azerothean Economy

* * *

><p>Nerem eyed his conversation partner leisurely as she did the same to him. "So," he asked suggestively, "Is that necklace new."<p>

"yeah," Virin replied, "I saw it the other day; it felt so right for me. I had to get it."

"Well you made a good choice." Nerem leaned in closer to his coworker, "You always had deep eyes, you really did need something to bring out that bit of your beauty."

Virin leaned in closer to him, "Oh really?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah really." Nerem leaned even closer so now their faces were only a few inches apart.

Just then Haaram Var burst into the room, "Hey Nerem! You in here?" Var turned to find one of his students leaning over another, their bodies unusually close, "Oh, there you are!" he said. "Hey I need you to do me a favor and clean out the test tubes in room four. I don't know what kind of substance accumulated in them but it smells terrible, and I need it gone pronto!"

"Nerem narrowed his gaze and stared at his professor, "I'll get to that as soon as I can…sir."

"Ok, good." Var walked over to a nearby water cooler, grabbed a drink, and approached the couple. "So how are you doing?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

`"Good, good. Oh! Hey did you guys see that panhandler in the vault of lights earlier today. I swear I've never seen anyone stand that still before. I couldn't help myself I gave him some money. That guy earned it." He said emphatically.

"Mm-hmm…" said Nerem tersely, his gaze grew harsher.

A moment of silence past in which Var cheerily drank his water and the other two just kind of stood there, you know, trying to get him to take a hint.

"Say, is that a new necklace, Virin?"

"Yep."

"Well I like it, it really brings out the blue in your eyes."

"Thanks."

Several more seconds passed.

"Oh!" announced Var, "I remember why I came here! Hey Nerem you wouldn't have happened to see a letter written by me hanging around here, would you?"

"No, but I think is saw one _in the lounge_. _Maybe you should check there_."

"Nah, I swear it was in here last time I remember. Damn, guess I gotta find it."

Var proceeded to scavenge the shelves nearby, muttering to himself in an attempt to retrace his steps. Virin and Nerem shot quick glances at one another.

"Damn, I guess it really isn't here; I'll have to write a new one."

Nerem sighed in relief. _Oh thank God_. He thought. His relief was quickly washed away though as Haaram pulled out a chair and sat down at a nearby desk. He pulled out a piece of paper and a quill from the table and began to slowly right a letter, reading every word out loud as he wrote it down.

"Um…sir…why not write that in your office? It has a much nicer quill and paper set."

"Yeah good point, but don't worry this isn't going to take me very long. I can write it here." Var replied as he returned to writing his letter, "Almost…done…"

"Aw dammit, I ran out of ink." Var opened and closed the drawers to his desk on by one, meticulously searching for a spare ink well. He opened each one with care, looked inside, and announced whether or not he had successfully found spare ink.

Virin turned to Nerem, "I think I should get going…"

"O.k." replied Nerem, trying not to grind his teeth down to the gums. Virin's hand slid out of his own as his interest left the room, closing the door behind her. Nerem sighed, trying to control his frustration, "I should get going too…"

"Alright," replied Var, "Oh and thanks a ton for cleaning those test tubes. I know it's a crappy job and I really appreciate you doing it for all of us." Var turned around and faced his student, "I owe you one."

"…Great…thanks."

* * *

><p>Later that day Nerem sat on a barstool of a local tavern, attempting to drown his frustration in ale. "Another round here!" he barked as the bartender walked past. He picked up his mug and sighed. Just then, he sensed someone sit down next to him.<p>

"Hey Nerem, how's it going?"

"Hey Homrin…frustrating…It's going frustrating."

"How come?"

"Work…"

"Oh right, I hear that Var made you clean out some equipment earlier today; that had to have sucked."

"No…not that…"

Homrin looked confused, "What happened?"

Nerem sighed, "Well, you know how I've been trying to start something with Virin?"

"Are you kidding? We've been taking bets on how long it will be until you two get together."

"Yes, yes, I am aware…Well today she and I were talking. Everything was going well…and then Var barged in and just…wouldn't give us space…"

"Did you try and drop a hint?"

"Duh."

"Well why didn't it work?"

Nerem turned and glared at his co-worker.

"Oh…right…of course..." replied Homrin slowly. "Don't worry about it, man. The two of you will come together with time."

"I just don't understand how someone can be so…oblivioius!"

"I know how you feel. He wears on me sometimes."

"I mean my God! It like no matter what he is just immune to subtle…wait." Nerem paused, staring out into space.

"Wait what?"

Nerem scratched his chin thoughtfully, "I wonder…"

"Yes?"

"Do you remember when Kartral started flirting with that guy?"

"Yeah he was a scum bag. Her father nearly blew a gasket trying to keep them apart."

"What if…there were some way to ensure that two individual's would be unable to have a romantic relationship with each other…"

"I'm not sure I follow."

"Fool! Do you know how many people there are out there whose friends and loved ones are trying to court people that they don't like? That number is in the thousands, maybe even in the millions!"

"You're not suggesting…"

"What if we could provide a service for people in that situation? A service with guaranteed results?"

"My God, it's an untapped market…"

"We could make _millions."_

"True but…I don't know it sticks in my craw somehow. I got a feeling something bad will come of it."

"Only one way to find out for sure."

Homrin thought for a moment and then sighed, "I guess you're right."

* * *

><p>Homrin and Nerem stood outside Haaram's door. "You ready?" asked Nerem.<p>

Homrin sighed, "As I'll ever be…"

"Alright then, let's go."

"The two walked into Var's office.

"Hi boys, what can I help you with?"

"Hi professor," replied Nerem, "we were just wondering if you could help us with something…"

"Oh sure, what do you need?"

"Well, you see, it's kind of weird, you know my nephew, Drew?"

Oh yeah. He's a schmuck."

"…I'm sorry?"

"Yeah you know, a schmuck. He lights cigars with a zippo and only drink pulp free orange juice."

"…

…anyway he's really been kind of shy about it, but one thing he always wanted was to spend a little time with you."

"Really? How come?"

"Well you know…you're just so wise and…experienced…he looks up to you. He really admires you."

"Aw that's sweet!"

"Yeah, today's his birthday and so I wanted to give him a really great present. So I was wondering if you could come with us and just talk to the boy for a little bit…if you're not too busy; he'd really love it."

"Oh Nerem, of course I would! I'd love to help you out!" He got out from behind his desk, "Where is he?"

"Nerem smiled, "just follow us, sir."

* * *

><p>The three walked the streets of the Exodar, the two students stood in front with the professor several feet behind. Homrin turned to his companion, "I didn't know you had a nephew."<p>

"The family doesn't like to talk about him as much. He's got…issues…with his mother, my sister in law…unsurprisingly he has a tendency to pick up women…frequently…if you catch my drift."

"I see…"

The pair paused, "That's him right there." Nerem pointed to a rather unkempt looking man standing outside a tavern who seemed to be having a conversation with a somewhat suggestively dressed woman.

"So should I talk to him?" Haaram asked as he caught up to his students.

"Of course!"

The two students watched as their professor walked up to the young (couple?) and proceeded to engage the male in conversation. Homrin watched with incredulity. He had to admit, his professor's lack of situational awareness was commendable; the man he was talking to kept giving him death stares and the professor didn't even flinch.

After a few minutes of standing around nervously and shifting her gaze back and forth anxiously, the young woman decided to leave the situation. She gave a brief wave to her companion, and began to walk away. Nerem's nephew ground his teeth together and he curled his hand into a shaking fist. It was then that the two students decided to intervene, "Um, hey professor!" Nerem interjected while approaching him and grabbing him by the arm, "We just remembered that we forgot to write down results for an experiment we did a few hours ago, we all had better get back to the lab quick.

"Ah, excellent Idea!"

* * *

><p>As the trio walked back to the lab, Nerem leaned next to Homrin, "This is amazing! This might actually work!"<p>

"Indeed. I must say that I'm thoroughly surprised that he is this effective, but I can't help but think that this is wrong somehow…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, isn't this manipulation?'

"Yeah, but look at him, all we're doing is asking him to talk to people, and he does that on his own will and accord. He's not doing anything he doesn't want to do."

"I guess…still what if he finds out? He might get angry."

Nerem stared harshly at his companion for a few seconds.

"Homrin, if the Horde invaded, burned down Haaram's house, and killed his wife, he wouldn't notice for a solid three months. You're a scientist dammit; try to think before you open your mouth like that."

"Right, I'm sorry."

* * *

><p>Business was doing well for Homrin and Nerem. Clients were surprisingly easy to find for their service, and with the thousands of Azerotheans eager to have their loved ones' relationships manipulated, the money was rolling in. Noble families, angry parents, and sometimes even regular citizens from all corners of the Alliance wanted to use Var's services to help nip a relationship in the bud. Every time they set out for a new client they would tell Haaram some cover story; usually the excuse was a new aspiring researcher who wanted to meet with the professor or something of that kind. The fact that Haaram Var's lab had to travel occasionally for various magical conferences only made the process easier to justify.<p>

Things were going pretty well for Homrin and Nerem, until Homrin found an anomaly on the evening stock reports. He had been reading the daily reports in a newspaper when something peculiar caught his eye. His heart rate accelerated as he ran off to find his business partner.

After arriving at his companion's house, Homrin wasted no time in detailing his observations…and their implications.

* * *

><p>"What the hell do you mean 'bubble?'"<p>

"I mean exactly that. Our business is causing an economic bubble."

"That's crazy. He's just one guy; as much as I think we're doing well I have to put my foot down here. We're _not _that popular."

Homrin drew some diagrams and graphs in a blank spot on the newspaper, "Indeed, if you factor in the economic impact from this service directly, the effects aren't that severe. However, the secondary and tertiary consequences are the problem."

"…I don't like what I'm hearing…"

"We've been disrupting the industry for marriage, dating, even _the real estate economy just to name a few things_. Apparently with less couples getting together there are less people buying houses."

"Oh no…"

"The nobles and aristocrats around the world are having to deal with new problems because of this new service. You know they use marriage as a political and economic tools as much as for romance; what do you think is happening now?"

"How bad is the situation?"

Homrin sighed, "Well you're right, if it were just our business we wouldn't be able to do _that _much damage…but we completely forgot about our competitors."

"We have…competition?"

"Well people have been trying…though we are truly unique. There doesn't seem to be anyone else out there quite like Var; anyone else who opens up a cock-blocking service like ours can't last for more than a few weeks. There just really doesn't seem to be anyone besides Haaram thick-headed enough to stand up to the extreme awkwardness of these kinds of situations."

"So what you're saying is…"

"We're a monopoly: a monopoly that is growing incredibly fast, and has extreme political and economic consequences…"

"We've created a monster…"

"Thankfully I have a plan. Our industry is so new that the economy hasn't even adjusted to handle it yet. If we were to just stop cold turkey now, things would probably just go back to normal."

"Yeah…we should do that," Nerem breathed, his brow sweating and his face pale.

"Where's Var anyway?"

"He's with a client right now. We should probably go get him."

"Yeah we'd better; It'd probably be a bad idea to let him out of our sight for now."

The two gathered there things and walked to the front door. Nerem placed his hand on the knob, "Let's just hope we can nip this in the bud," he sighed. He turned the knob and opened the door, and jumped back in surprise. In front of him were two large ogre bruisers, and front of them, a small, very well dressed goblin. "Evening gentlemen," the green man began, "I think you and I should have a talk…"

* * *

><p>The two students sat at Nerem's kitchen table, nervously listening to the overly unctuous man lecture them. "So as you can see," he continued, "The cartel can't just have random people upsetting the delicate economic balance as such. It's just not fair for anyone. It only creates problems…problems that we have to take care of…"<p>

Homrin gulped, "What do you mean…'take care of'?"

The goblin cracked a wide smile as he snapped his fingers. Instantly, his two bodyguards grabbed the students by the neck and held them aloft. The two draenei clutched at their throats, trying not to choke.

"We're going to need to know the location of your professor, boys. A power as great as this needs to be taken under the umbrella of professional businessmen,, and as such, my associates would greatly appreciate it if you allowed us custody of your employee. Also, for your own sakes, you should probably divulge that information pretty quick."

The two struggled and strained against the forces acting on their bodies, helpless as infants. When suddenly, an alarm sounded outside, piercing the quiet that usually filled the Exodar. The Ogres dropped their captives in surprise and, wasting now time, Homrin and Nerem quickly bolted out the door.

The two ran down the streets as fast as their feet would carry them, "Holy crap! What do we do now?" screamed Homrin.

"First things first, we gotta find Var before anything else happens. Come with me he should be right around this corner…Oh shit…"

The two stared at the massive armada in front of them. All manner of Horde military was assembled in their midst. Bat riders, wiverns, Ko'kron Elite, and hundreds of other fierce warriors all stood in a ring. In the center, Garrosh Hellscream towered, brandishing his axe at a handcuffed Haaram Var.

"So," bellowed the Warchief, "This is senile old man who had been pushing the Alliance economy to its limits." He approached the professor and eyed him warily, "I expected as much."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, and when did gorillas start talking?" Haaram replied.

Hellscream guffawed, "Oh I'm sure, like you don't know what your incessant lack of social skills was creating untold profits…and don't you dare call me a gorilla again you scum."

"Huh?"

Just then the two students ran into the circle, "Professor!" the two shouted simultaneously.

"Oh hi guys, can you help me I'm in a pickle. This Gorilla must have escaped from someone and now it…"

"I AM NOT A GORILLA YOU SWINE!"

"Right sorry, this gorilla's upset because I ruined his relationship with his girlfriend and…"

"IN THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY SPIRITS I DEMAND, AS WARCHIEF OF THE HORDE, THAT YOU CEASE FROM DISPUTING ME HONOR AND REFERRING TO ME AS AN **ANIMAL THIS INSTANT OR SO HELP ME I WILL TEAR YOUR HEART OUT AND EAT IT MYSELF!"**

Haaram stared at Garrosh for several seconds, as though attempting to focus on a difficult problem. "Holy shit," he began after a long pause, "A talking gorilla."

Garrosh yelled with a fearsome roar and raised his axe. He was poised to bring it down on the professor, when suddenly a piercing trumpet call rang through the air. Garrosh lowered his weapon and turned around; his eyes widened in shock at what he saw.

"Stand down, Orc. No one threatens a member of the Alliance, especially in his home town." King Wrynn stepped forward, flanked by Jaina Proudmoore and The prophet Valen.

Garrosh scoffed, "I am doing you a favor, human. This man is ruining your economy, and although that would usually delight me to no end, it is inevitable that something of this magnitude would inevitably begin effecting the Horde." He turned back to Var, "This man must be destroyed."

"Not on my watch!" retorted Wrynn heroically, "I swear we will never allow such gross incursion and injustice to our fair citizens."

Suddenly Var quipped in, "You'll never defeat us! So long as there is some good left in the world, the Alliance will never surrender. You'll never defeat our combined penis!"

There was a moment of silence as everyone stood around, not really knowing what to do.

"…So hand him over!" shouted Wrynn finally.

Garrosh grinned, "you want him? Come and get him!"

The king gave a fierce roar and charged into battle with Garrosh meeting him. The two fought savagely and relentlessly, their blades flying in a blur. The fight continued for several minutes, with no clear winner in sight.

Just then, a great geometric figure arose from behind. A blinding white light engulfed the area as a being of unimaginable power entered the scene. The two combatants fell to the ground, unable to continue their fight in the fierce, yet pure, light. The onlookers watched, countenances awestruck and eyes tearing at the beauty. The naaru O'ros descended onto the scene.

A reverberating sound filled the room. "Stop." It commanded, the power of its command nearly causing everyone in view to drop to their knees. "Such power…" the naaru approached Var, "Such incredible, unstoppable power…It is too great a burden for this world. Azeroth is not ready for a force so potent."

Everyone watched in awe as a small tendril of light slowly emerged from O'ros' body, and began to weave itself around Haaram's head. "I shall remove it."

The tendril reabsorbed into O'ros' body and the naaru began to float back to his original location, "It is done," he echoed throughout the hall, "Azeroth shall be burdened no more with such a great and powerful responsibility."

* * *

><p>Life returned to normal fairly quickly a the lab. The Horde and the alliance were easily pacified that day by the presence of a being so pure, and of course with the problem of Var's cock-blocking gone, there was nothing to fight over (well, at the moment anyway). And, like before, Nerem found himself in a room alone with his love interest, having delightful conversation. "Has everyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" he cooed, leaning into his interest's face.<p>

"Well…I could stand to hear it again…" she replied.

Just then Var entered the room. "Hi guys what's up!" he shouted cheerfully as he stood uncomfortably close to the couple. Normally, Nerem would be incredibly infuriated right now, but he new that this situation would soon work itself out.

Haaram Var attempted to engage the two in conversation, something about the weather or a recent experiment. When suddenly he stopped. He clutched his stomach with his hands. "Oh my…not again…" he muttered. "I'm sorry guys I don't know what happened but I gotta get to the restroom pronto!" Var hastily exited the room.

Nerem sighed contentedly and looked at his love. O'ros was truly a great being. The ancient wisdom and power of the naaru had saved Azeroth from an economic catastrophe of untold proportions, prevented a war in which hundreds, no, thousands would have surely been slain, and saved an already war torn planet from further devastation. _Most of all though_. he thought, staring into his loves endlessly deep eyes_, He's removed the force that was stopping me from getting closer to happiness._


	5. Chapter 5

Neckbeards Versus Girly-Men.

* * *

><p>Homrin was on a roll. He had been working diligently on his term paper for several hours now. He uncurled his writing hand and cracked his knuckles loudly before he resumed his frantic scribbling. He did not want to lose this momentum. This paper had been hell to write and he hoped that he could use this burst of energy to finally finish it off. It was a difficult challenge, to be sure, and one that was only made more by his professor's current behavior.<p>

"Hey Homrin, do you wonder if dogs every like to eat sandwiches?"

"Uh…no?"

"I've been thinking about it for some time now. Current logic holds that the dogs, being carnivores, would only be interested in the meat of the sandwich, and would ignore the bread."

"Uh-huh," Homrin replied absent-mindedly.

"But, what if you sprayed the sandwich with a special ingredient that would trick the dog into thinking that the whole sandwich _was _meat."

"Uh…"

"Think about it. The dog would think it was eating the meat it so dearly desired, while at the same time being forced to eat (albeit unknowingly) its owner's sandwich."

Homrin did not like where this conversation was going. He decided to end it as quick as possible. "Um, yeah, that makes perfect sense, I'll try that some time."

"Indeed, we could also try this on sentient test subjects too. Perhaps there is a way to convince intelligent creatures to eat things they would not normally ingest."

"Um…I don't think that would be scienfically sound to do in the lab." Homrin hoped that he could end this before it got even more uncomfortable.

Homrin paused for a moment and stroked his chin, "Ah of course!" He announced finally, "You're right! We'd need someone who isn't a lab member for that so that our results are not tainted!" Just then Lucas walked into the room.

"Ah, Lucas, just the man I needed to talk to!"

"Lucas stopped walking and turned to face his professor, "Can I help you with something sir?"

"Yeah are you and your girlfriend still together?"

"Um…yes"

"Great because I need a favor."

"…"

"Does your girlfriend like sandwiches?"

"Excuse me?"

"Sandwiches, does your girlfriend like them?"

"Um…yeah I guess so,"

"Great because I need to give her a sandwich that she normally wouldn't like, but coat it in this special sauce I made and see if it makes her want to eat it."

Lucas' eyes narrowed as he tried to dissect his tutor's words to find some hidden meaning, "I'm going to go now." He said finally as he walked out of the room.

"Well I guess I'll have to find another subject." Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a female lab technician, "Hey Rebecca, does your husband like to eat meat?"

"Homrin ran up to his professor and tried to stop a catastrophe, "So, uh, sir, I hear you're going on a trip tomorrow?"

"Ah, yes! Of course! I'm going to Thunderbluff!"

"WHAT?"

"Yeah I'm going down there as a favor to one of my friends back on Draenor."

"Oh sweet heaven this doesn't sound good…"

"No, no, it's perfectly alright. I used to do some research with the Hand of Argus, I have a few friends of mine who are Paladins and I actually know a thing or two about their way."

"So?"

"Well some Tauren recently began worshipping the light, and a few sunwalkers requested to learn more about the history of the Draenei to aid them in their path."

"That's…interesting…"

"Of course, all the Paladin's they asked were in Outland and pretty busy, and I owed them a favor…"

"Are you really qualified to teach that?"

"Oh of course not, but I am qualified to teach a little about Draenei history. Long story short I leave tomorrow."

Professor Var? Alone? With the horde? This couldn't happen. This wasn't letting a bull loose in a china shop, this was much, much worse.

"Professor, are you going alone? That doesn't sound safe."

"Of course not."

Homrin relaxed slightly, perhaps with a chaperone his boss would be able to avoid catastrophic faux pas.

"You're coming with me."

"Well that's good to hear sir, who will you be…wait what?"

"I need you to come with me on this trip for assistance."

"Sir, um, normally I'd be happy to go with you on this business, but I have that term paper due tomorrow and…"

"But Homrin…"

"Sir, wouldn't you rather take a more senior student? Perhaps Nerem, or Vince? Surely they can be of more help to you then me."

"I'm afraid not Homrin. You're the only one who knows how to help me button my robe in the morning. Plus out of everyone here only you honor my wish to have exactly eight fish sticks for lunch on Wednesday and green jello for desert."

Homrin paused momentarily. He wasn't sure what course of action he would take. On one hand, his deadline was quite urgent, and if he was forced to babysit accompany the professor on this mission, he would have to work extremely hard in order to ensure that he would finish. On the other hand, if he left Var alone he could only imagine what terrible events might pass.

When it came to Var, Murphy's Law was not so much a facetious axiom as it was an accurate predictor of events. Homrin could still remember a few years ago, when Var watched someone fry an egg and, inspired, later proclaimed himself a master chef. His culinary career ended abruptly when he attempted to make ice and ended up setting the cubes on fire.

Although this event turned out to be the catalyst that sparked a tidal wave of research into frostfire magic, it was nonetheless quite unexpected, preposterous, and potentially dangerous. Var would most likely have burned his entire lab down if he had been left unattended; thankfully one of his students put out the fire, ironically by dumping more water on it.

Homrin sighed. He knew which choice he had to make. The road ahead would be difficult, but for the good of everyone, he had to do the right thing.

"Sure, I'd be happy to come with you professor."

* * *

><p>The two began travelling the next morning. The trek to the Tauren capital would be a long, and arduous one, particularly since the main route through Ashenvale was literally a warzone. However, Var and his compatriot were forced to take a more circuitous route through the forest, and meet up with a Horde liaison near the border.<p>

The two spent the most of the trip sitting in their elekk-diven coach. Homrin busily and diligently wrote his paper while the professor sorted out a number of documents and prepared his presentation for when they reached Thunderbluff. Each were quite occupied by their respective tasks, and the journey passed by rather quickly. They soon found the verdant forest of Ashenvale transforming into a more barren, arid climate. Suddenly Var felt the coach come to a halt. He looked out and was greeted by a most interesting sight.

A platoon of Blood-Elves stood in front of their carriage, blocking the way. A dozen or so mounted guardsmen stood resolute; at their front was a rather elaborately decorated man, who was quite obviously their platoon leader. "They must be the liaisons," Var thought pensively. He straightened his collar and exited the coach. This was a delicate situation, and as such would require the utmost diplomacy, sensitivity, and grace if were to succeed.

Var walked up to the leader and attempted to initiate conversation. "So…um…are you the liaison?"

"Indeed," the sergeant replied tersely, his antipathy evident.

"Well then, what were you planning for an itinerary, if I may ask?"

The sergeant turned slightly and pointed southwest with his left hand, revealing that his right arm was completely missing, "We'll be following a back-road through The Barrens that will lead to Mulgore. It's a bit unpaved but it avoids most major Horde settlements. My commanding officer was most insistent that we try attract as little attention as possible. He also asked me to bring a small armed escort to prevent any 'potentially dangerous situations.'" He eyed Var warily, "So I took the liberty of bringing one and a half times the recommended forces."

"That's cool. Also, why did The Horde send Blood Elves? That must have been quite a journey from The Eastern Kingdoms."

"My platoon is stationed at the Thalassian embassy in Thunderbluff. An individual with exceptional diplomatic skills as well as a thorough understanding of both Alliance and Draenei cultures was requested, and I was stationed on Outland for many years."

"Cool."

"Our records also indicate that you are functionally retarded when it comes to interpersonal interaction, and thus my skills are all the more necessary."

"Yeah that makes sense. Say I used to do some work in Shattrath, what did you do in Outland?"

"I was a magical researcher for the Scyers…"

"Oh, cool, you know I'm researcher myself. What field were you in?"

"The effects of arcane magic on temporal flow in low-nether environments."

"No way! That's what I study!"

"I am aware…"

"So what made you stop?"

"My supervisor was an idiot, and one day ended up nearly burning down the lab when he somehow set ice on fire."

"Wow, what a dumbass,"

"Indeed, I rushed in to put it out, and ended up combusting the water in my arm which is how I lost this." He pointed to the stump on his shoulder.

"That sucks."

"I know." The elf narrowed his eyes at Var. "I've sworn revenge on that man ever since."

"I hear ya man, people like that shouldn't be heading labs."

The two stood in awkward silence for a few moments.

"So, shall we begin?" Var asked finally.

"Quite." The sergeant turned around and signaled his men. His troops then encircled the carriage, and Var jumped back into his seat. Inside, Homrin was quite occupied with his paper. "So I just talked with our escort," began Var.

"Uh huh."

"Its gonna be a while, but we'll be there in a little bit"

"That's ok, I need all the time I can get."

"You know what I don't understand though, why did the wrong half of The Horde send an escort?"

Homrin was distracted from his paper, "What now?"

'Well The Horde is made of two separate meta-groups: the races of the Eastern Kingdoms and the races of Kalimdor, also known as girly-men and neckbeards respectively.

"…"

"This is deep neckbeard territory, and I know that at least a few Tauren speak Common; why would they send girly-men?"

"Um, professor, maybe you shouldn't use those terms while we're here."

"Quite right, quite right."

The remainder of the trip was uneventful. Var amused himself with puzzles while Homrin wrote diligently. Their guardians marched silently next to them, never once speaking to anyone, and after a pair of days the caravan had reached Mulgore.

Both the professor and student looked around in awe at the sights that awaited them. The beautiful, endless, verdant fields, the soft breeze over the plains, it was a most wonderful sight. Their journey in this territory was an aesthetic dream, one which they wished they could relish forever.

Once they entered the city, the environment only became more beautiful. The wonderful view was only improved by the fact that they were hundreds of feet off the ground. Once they were in the Sunwalker's district of the city, a crowd became visible. A number of Tauren sun-worshippers had gathered around a large, amphitheater-like complex, apparently waiting for a speaker.

The head liaison came up to the window of the carriage, "Now the municipal security of Thunderbluff has allowed you entry to make your appearance; however, they insist that you be gone by nightfall for security reasons. If you would be so kind as to make your speech quickly, we can…finish this ordeal."

"…Permanently," he added under his breath.

"K," replied Var as he exited his carriage and began walking towards the center of the theater. He cleared his throat and the mumbling that had permeated the crowd slowly died.

"Hello, My name is Professor Haaram Var," he began

His translator shouted something in Orcish, and the crowd responded with a greeting.

"I'm here today to talk about light worship and its historic importance to the Draenei people…"

The lecture went fairly uneventfully. Var's translator worked diligently to convert his lesson into a language more understandable by the audience, and Var's speech seemed to be going smoothly. Meanwhile, in the carriage, Homrin was finishing up his essay. He finished writing the last few sentences down for his paper, and emphatically drew the last period in the manuscript. He sat up and beamed, he was quite happy at his accomplishment.

He looked outside and glanced at Var, who was in the middle of his speech. All seemed to be well, except for one thing. Var's translator was not the leader of the Blood-Elf squad that had escorted them. Bizzarely enough, the translator was a Tauren. Homrin scratched his chin. This didn't add up; wasn't the whole reason the Blood-Elves got assigned to this job for translation reasons?" A sinking feeling developed in his stomach. Something wasn't right.

He looked around in an attempt to locate all of the elfish escorts. He found that the majority of them were in the surrounding Var in the center of the amphitheater, with the leader strangely missing. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the elf sergeant a distance away, behind a tent. He had apparently summoned a succubus to his side (guess he was a warlock), and something about him looked eerily familiar to Homrin…

"Oh shit…" the student breathed.

Homrin rushed out of the coach and dashed towards the center of the theater, drawing the attention of everyone nearby. He ran up to his professor and grabbed him by the arm, "Sir, we gotta get OUTTA HERE PRONTO!"

"Wait why?"

"That sergeant used to work in your lab…He's the guy that lost his arm in that ice incident!"

"Oh wow really?...

..So?"

"He's brought you here so that he could get revenge!"

"I don't follow."

"He's going to _kill you_."

Var looked at his student, then at the audience, "Well alright, if we gotta."

"I think not." A smooth voice declared from behind as the elf guards surrounding the Draenei formed a ring blocking all exits.

* * *

><p>"I've been waiting a long time for this, <em>Professor,"<em> the captain spat, his utter contempt obvious, "I literally lost my arm to you, did you think I'd just let that slide?"

"Yeah kinda, I mean what was the big deal?"

"Big deal? BIG DEAL! I worked day and night for you, acting diligently as your student, and then one day, I try and stop you from one of your half-brained ideas and THIS IS ALL THAT I GET IN RETURN!" He pointed to his stub, "You'll pay for your lack of care and professionalism, Var. Blood Elves never forget, and now you're going to feel every ounce of my pain!" He charged through the crowd towards Var, brandishing a dagger in his hand.

The Tauren saw that their guest was under attack and charged into the center in an attempt to stop the sergeant. They were met by the squads of guards, and the two factions began fighting in a tumultuous melee.

Homrin jumped in front of his professor just as the assailant was closing in, "Stop!" he shouted, "I won't let you do this!" The warlock chuckled and snapped his fingers, his succubus minion then made eye contact with Homrin, and the student soon lost all ability to do anything more than stare enamored at the demon.

The warlock closed in on his target, his eyes filled with desire. He held up his dagger, "I've waited a long time for this…" he breathed. Suddenly, his arm stopped. The elf stood momentarily as his wicked grin faded and his eyes rolled back into his head. Var watched as his would-be murder collapsed onto the ground, revealing a very tall human in rogue armor behind. Over his shoulder, the human was supporting a dazed Homrin, and behind him lay the corpse of the warlocks demon minion.

"We have to go, NOW!" he whispered as he grabbed Var and the three dashed off.

"Who are you? Where are we going?" Var spat.

"No time, just trust me."

"The trio approached the edge of the mesa, and Var stared with incredulity at his mysterious helper, "Why are we here?"

"Like I said, just trust me," the rogue replied calmly as he grabbed Var's robe and swiftly jumped over the edge, pulling Var and Homrin with him.

The three landed abruptly (though safely) on the wooden deck of a small flying machine below. "Let's go, Merv," the rogue said quickly. He was acknowledged by the pilot, and the ship slowly flew away from the Horde city.

* * *

><p>Hours later, the three sat on the ship as it quietly moved through the Barren's sky. "So Let me get this straight," Homrin continued, "SI7 has been following Var?"<p>

"Yes for some time now," the human replied.

"Why?"

"Well after that incident with the cock-blocking company the Alliance government realized that Var really can't be left to his own devices…for his own good of course. I was sent to monitor him in order to prevent further catastrophe.

"Uh huh…so you were watching us the entire time?"

"Yes, from a distance."

"and you dove in when the fight broke out?"

"I'm very good at infiltration, and even better at rescue missions. It was a piece of cake really."

Var scratched his beard, "hmmm…" he thought out loud.

"Is there anything else you want answered?" the human asked.

"Just one thing," Var began, "How did you resist the succubus' charm when you saved my student?"

"Oh I don't have a penis," the human replied.

Var nodded understandingly as Homrin simply stared at his professor.


	6. Chapter 6

"Haaram Var's Early History is Actually Pretty Interesting,"

Or

"Haaram Var is not very different from a Typical College Freshman"

* * *

><p>Var sat at his desk, staring at the screen in front of him. He watched as the various multicolored tubes darted back and forth against the dark screen. His glazed over eyes were hypnotized by the perpetual growth of the geometric shapes. Nerem walked passed his office in the hallway, carrying a stack of papers. He noticed his professor sitting in a completely dark room, his eyes glued to a brightly lit screen. He turned momentarily to face his professor and opened his mouth. Then he remembered that the man in front of him was Haaram Var, and turned and walked away, pretending that nothing had happened.<p>

He brought his heavy box into the graduate students room and set it down on his desk with a thud. He picked out a large stack of papers and handed it to Homrin, "Here's your share." He said.

"Thanks," replied Homrin as he pulled out a red pen and began to read through the papers. "Ugh, the first word in this one's misspelled, not a good sign…"

"Wow I hate it when that happens. Hey at least it's better than this. This essay is in pencil."

"Damn. Why do we have to do this stuff?"

"I dunno, it's what grad students do right?"

"Yeah but can't Var help us out with them sometime?"

"I see your point, though he's usually very busy… actually I just passed him on my way over here. He's not busy right now, why don't you ask him."

Homrin narrowed his eyes, "why didn't _you_ ask him?"

Nerem just stared at his co-worker silently.

"Alright, fine dammit, I'll ask him."

Homrin walked up to his professor's office and poked his head in, "Uh, sir, can I come in for a minute?"

Var was still occupied with his screen saver, "Hmm? Oh yes of course come in," he stated without ungluing his eyes from the screen.

"Uh, so we have a lot of undergraduate papers to grade…like a lot…and you don't seem to be very busy so…"

Var abruptly turned around to face him pupil, "But Homrin, I _am _ busy! These pipes zoom past each other, forming an increasingly complex pattern. I have to see how it turns out!"

"Uh, sir, that screen saver resets like every thirty seconds so…"

"Nu-uh! It goes on forever! Maybe this time it'll keep going!"

"Sir it's programmed to…nevermind. Is there any way that I can get you to help us?"

"Hmm…will you take me out for ice cream?"

"I don't know sir I just got you ice cream Monday and…"

"But I want ice creeeeeeeeeeeam!" Var whined while pounding his fist on his desk repeatedly.

"Ok, fine, I'll take you out for ice cream." Homrin finally conceded. Var clapped his hands together excitedly and his eyes visibly lit up at this outcome.

Later that day Var stood in line at the ice cream store with his student. Var bounced and fidgeted with glee as his student rubbed his temples, _Nerem, you owe me big time for this…_ he thought pensively. A few steps behind in line a young girl pulled at her mother's dress, "Mommy, can you please make the man stop jumping? It's scary."

The mother gently put her hand on her daughter's head, "Ok, sweety," she replied reassuringly. "Excuse me? Sir?" she said, tapping Var on the shoulder. Var noticed this and turned around to face her. "I'm sorry, but could you please stop bouncing, you're making the children nervous."

"No."

Var replied flatly before turning around and resuming his gleeful bouncing.

The woman's brow furrowed as she bit her upper lip and tapped him on the shoulder again, "Sir, please, it's making my daughter very upset."

Var was visibly annoyed at this point, "Listen lady I don't have to listen to the demands of-"

"Whoah sorry thee ma'am!" said a human who came out of nowhere and got between Var and the lady, "This man's my…cousin. He's…uh…special. He does this when he's excited, I'm really sorry he'll be out of your hair in just a minute.

The woman's countenance slightly lessened in its aggravation as she nodded tersely to the man. Her daughter, meanwhile, hid behind her dress, staring at Var with fearful eyes. To this Var stuck out his tongue at the girl. Homrin paused for a moment, "Hey wait a minute, I know you. You're that SI-7 agent that's been monitoring Var!"

"Indeed," replied the man.

"So you're still following him I guess?"

"Well, in a way. My warrant for surveillance technically ran out a day ago, but it's about to be renewed. The alliance is more than willing to extend my rights after what happened at that conference."

"Exactly what happened, and what conference?"

"Well we uncovered more evidence of Var's previous blunders, and accordingly, we have expressed the need to continue to monitor certain activities in case we need to intervene…like right now."

"Huh, I see. Exactly what happened?"

"Well Var was at a conference and apparently called commander Curtis Radcliffe the "N" word."

"HEY NOW!" interjected Var, "I hadn't been on Azeroth that long and that's what I was told to call people of his ethnicity!"

"Well for starters that happened a week ago…anyway look, I'm not supposed to technically be here right now, so uh…you didn't see me, ok?"

"I understand." Homrin replied as the human began to walk away.

"I'm repressing my memory as we speak!" Var chimed. The professor paused momentarily before turning to face the cashier, "Where the hell am I?" He asked bluntly.

"Uh, this is an ice cream store."

"Oh yeah, two vanilla cones please."

Var and Homrin walked through the park outside the ice cream store, enjoying their frozen treats. "Sir, I need to ask you something," Homrin began.

"Sure, what?" Var replied cheerily.

"Well I'm kind of curious…I don't think I've met a professor who seems to be your senior, how old are you exactly?"

Var stopped in his tracks and scratched his beard with his free hand. "Huh…I dunno. Let's find out." Var stated as he reached into his belt and pulled out an extremely sharp dagger.

"I'm sorry wha-OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!" Homrin shouted as Var plunged the dagger into his forearm. Homrin watched in horror as the professor carved a two inch by two inch cube out of his arm. No expression shown on the professor's face as he jammed the blade down one side of the cube and used it as a lever to pull the chunk of meat out of his forearm with a sickening ripping noise, revealing an extremely deep cut that exposed a significant amount of bone and sinew.

Var held the chunk up and pulled out a jeweler's monocle. He held the chunk of flesh up with his hand and stared at it, "Hmmm…Ah that makes sense." He replied as he lowered the chunk from his view. As Homrin watched in horror the professor jammed the chunk back into its hole with a disgusting squish. He held out his hand and muttered some words in Naaru. Immediately swirling bands of light leapt from his fingers and intertwined around the wound. The laceration sealed itself up almost instantly, removing all signs of injury. The dark blood stains on his robe were the only evidence of the incident. Var shook his arm momentarily and then turned to face a horrified Homrin, "Idk," he said, literally pronouncing those letters, "Estimating the number of rings in my arm like…thirty thousand-ish?"

Homrin just kind of stood there stunned and horrified at what had just happened while the professor's last statement bounced around inside his head. Suddenly the weight of the statement finally hit something in the deep reaches of his brain, "Wait, wait, wait, hold up! You're thirty thousand years old?"

"Yeah"

"Sir…this is incredible. Does this mean you lived on Argus?"

"Duh. What's the big deal?"

"Sir…I've never met anyone that old before, Velen himself might not be as old as you!"

"Who that guy? No he's still older than me. I met him once and he told me so. _That's_ a funny story actually. You see back in the day I had a research lab on Argus..."

* * *

><p><em>Var sat at his desk in his old office. Although it was incredibly ornate by draenei standards it was still a magnificent sight to behold. Crystalline beauty covered the entire room, the rug was lush in texture and color. Var's desk was covered with papers, though even the thick covering did not undermine the jeweled beauty of the room, and the soft light from nearby crystal candles seemed to elicit the deep majesty of the area.<em>

_Drak'ol peered inside Var's office. "Var, come here quick!" he whispered urgently. Var got up from his desk and followed his fellow scientist outside. _

"_What's up?" Var asked, folding his arms._

"_Var, I've gotten word of an opportunity we simply cannot miss". He looked to either side for witnesses and handed Var a small sheet of paper. "Archimonde is calling for practitioners of the arcane to come to this meeting. A new world awaits us all!"_

"_K."_

* * *

><p>"So I went to that meeting that night,"Var continued, "and there I met one of the most powerful mages of my time, or any time, for that matter."<p>

"Wow," Homrin replied, "You met Archimonde?"

"Yep."

"What was he like back then."

"Smelled funny."

"Um…"

"So anyway, like I was saying…"

* * *

><p><em>Archimonde stood at his podium finishing his speech, his tall and imposing figure commanded respect and reverence as he made his speech from the front of the crystalline hall, "and so my brothers and sisters, come! Join me and we shall wield unimaginable power with our demon lord Sargeras!" Var stood in the crowd as the group erupted into applause. He scratched his beard pensively and considered what the Eredar lord had said. <em>

_Later at the meeting he stood off in a corner of the room, contemplating the words of the powerful arcanist. Suddenly, he noticed a powerful presence approach him. It was none other than Archimonde himself._

"_You seem familiar, what is your name?" Archimonde began_

"_My name's Haaram Var, nice to mee you."_

"_Ah I've heard that name before, you work with the effects of arcane magic on temporal flow in low nether environments, yes?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Sargeras could always use more skilled arcanists, you know."_

"_Yeah but I don't know…I'm not sure I should join."_

"_Why on Argus would you hesitate as such a magnificent opportunity, Mr. Var? The dark titan can give you power unimaginable."_

"_Yeah…but…will he be able to give me ice cream?"_

"…

…_I'm sorry what?"_

"_Can Sargeras give me ice cream?"_

"_Um…no."_

"_But I want ice creeeeeeeeeam!" Var whined._

_Archimonde was aghast, "No look…Sargeras CANNOT give you ice cream. He can, however, give you __**power unimaginable!**__"_

"_Can he give me cookies then?"_

"…_no…"_

"_Can he give me the numbers of his hot, slutty, college hallmate friends so I can hook up with them?"_

"_What the hell? No!"_

"_Does he even have hot slutty college hallmate friends?"_

"_Uh…I don't know?"_

"_Oh so you don't even know all the stuff about this guy! How can I trust him?"_

_Archimonde opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, rubbed his temples and walked away muttering something that was probably quite explicit._

* * *

><p>"Wait, professor, what does this have to do with Valen?" Asked Homrin.<p>

"I'm getting there, don't worry," Var replied, "So I knew that I couldn't trust Archimonde and his vile demon overlords," Var continued, "Indeed, I was at a loss of what to do, and then one fateful day the prophet Valen paid me a visit."

* * *

><p>"<em>Professor Var?" came a voice from the door.<em>

"_Yes come in!" Var responded without looking up from his paper._

"_It is I, Velen, and I bring with me grave tidings."_

"_Hi."_

"_Um…hi. Anyway I heard of how you stood up to Archimonde and resisted consorting with those foul demons. I have been contacted by great beings of the light, and they have told me to gather all who wish to preserve all that we hold dear. A growing tide of darkness is coming, one that will consume our home, and nearly all we love. As a moral person, I'm counting on people like you to join with me in the light and help ensure our survival in the coming dark-"_

"_Will there be sluts?" Var interjected._

"…_I'm sorry?"_

"_Hot sluts, can the light hook me up with them?"_

"_Um…no.."_

"_Huh…will there be ice cream?"_

"_Uh…sure."_

"_Cool sounds good. Can I get ice cream now?"_

"_Um…I don't know I'm kind of busy and-"_

"_But I want ice creeeeeeeeam NOOOOOOOOW!" Var whined while pounding his fists against his table._

"_Ok, ok fine! I'll take you out for ice cream!" Conceded Valen as Var squealed with delight at the prospect._

* * *

><p>"And thus, I joined Valen and the Naaru, beginning my journey as one of the Draenei. I did what I could for our people, I used my magic to help us survive in the tough centuries that followed. I was even blessed with knowledge of the light's healing powers by the Naaru, which is how I healed my wounds a second ago."<p>

"Amazing…" Homrin breathed.

"Indeed." Var replied. A moment's pause went by before the professor took out his pocket watch and surveyed the time. "Ah, look at the time! I should be getting back home. Thanks again for the ice cream, Homrin!"

"It was nothing, sir…I can't believe that you've survived for so many years…you must have seen so much…Sir, why haven't you told anyone your story?"

Professor Var looked at his student and sighed, "Well, there is a reason, but it's difficult for me to talk about…"

"Yes?"Homrin asked in anticipation.

"Homrin, I, well I just never felt like talking about it."

"…oh."

"Yeah…"

THE END


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